The 5 Stages Of A Monstrous Cold

by Reception Chronicles

We all have to face a simple fact in life.  Everybody gets sick.  There are numerous products on the market that tells us that if we use this and spray that, we can avoid harmful bacteria and illness.  Lies!  Even if you use anti-bacterial lotion as much as you blink, there is no escaping it.  It is inevitable.  You will at some time in your life catch a cold.

It always starts the same way.  You are feeling great and on top of the world until a coworker, friend or stranger is showing symptoms of a cold.  They wipe their nose carelessly, sneeze into the air as if trying to blow away the devil and perform an exorcism of a cough.  You immediately cower away and make a quick escape hoping that the infection, also known as cooties, has not entered your personal space.  Time passes and you feel fine and think phew thank god I got out of that one.  Alas, it is too late.  The cold is lurking, building up strength and preparing to release the Kraken.  Prepare to enter the 5 stages of a dreadful cold.


Your alarm goes off.  Instead of waking from a peaceful sleep and stretching, a sense of dread overcomes your body.  It is barely there but you feel it.  The itchy tickle in your throat.  Before falling apart in hysterics, you calm yourself and think “its okay, some throat medicine and lots of orange juice. It will be fine.”  You pump your system full of cold and flu medicines as if to build an armored wall in your body to conquer the oncoming illness.  Like a deck of cards, they come crashing down.  As the day progresses, more symptoms begin to appear.  A phlegm cough, a sneeze or two and a sore throat.  You ignore the symptoms in order to pretend yourself out of it.  When the symptoms are apparent to friends, family and coworkers, they make the same face you did yesterday.  As if you are turning into a werewolf, they back away slowly with their hands defensively outstretched then turn to run away and warn the others.  The word is out: You are sick.


It is at this stage that you face the ugly truth.  As everyone hides, you slump away like a leper and go home.  The symptoms are rapidly progressing. Your nose is slowly turning raw and red from constantly wiping, the cold sweats are kicking in, the exhaustion is taking over, your ability to speak is degrading to a mumble and your words begin to end in D.  You are not fine-d.  You are not fine-d at all.  Even though you know it is too late, you continue to pump medicine into your system.  It is time to switch to the heavy duty stuff to put yourself into a sleepy coma.  As society casts you away to the leper colony, you slip into your PJ’s and load up on supplies.  It is at this time you retreat to your dark cave of a room.


This is known as the zombie stage.  You are unrecognizable of your former self and have been deserted.  You lay in the dark slipping in and out of NyQuil hallucinations while a TV is playing out of date sitcoms ranging from I Love Lucy to Seinfeld.  You have lost the will power to speak and resort to making Chewbacca noises.  Occasionally, some Goonie family members will enter to catch a glimpse of the Sloth as they tread over used tissues and pill cases in order to drop off some crackers, ginger ale and other cold remedies.  This is rock bottom of the cold.  As you hear birds chirping, children playing and party music, you lay in a bed of your own sweat and hope that someone will put you out of your misery.


You wake up from a deep sleep and slowly open your eyes.  The sweats are gone, you have energy, the nose running has ceased and it no longer feels like you are swallowing knives.  You look around at the aftermath of the situation.  Blankets strewn among the bed, mounds of tissues, empty water bottles, Saltine crumbs on your night stand and empty pill cases.  You draw back the shade and the glorious shine of the sun glares into your cave.  The sun warms your face as “Oh Happy Day” blasts through the speakers.  You open the door with a slow creak and walk back out into society in your rags of clothing.  The cold is not completely gone but the worst is over.  The sea is beginning to calm.


You have made a full recovery minus some coughing and fatigue but it is time to get back to life and the real world.  You appreciate the small things in life and remain in this state of happiness for a few days.  A short time after your illness, someone that you have been in contact with is beginning to show signs of being sick.  You look upon them with pity and sorrow as they trudge down the way to the leper colony knowing that the next few days will be an intense battle of human strength.

The best thing to do when it hits you is to accept it.  You may feel healthy now but be aware of the cooties that lurk in your path.

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