The Office Bathroom Faux Pas
by Reception Chronicles
As a receptionist sitting near the office entrance, I get the privilege of seeing the street outside and watch the working world go by. With most things in life, some things are too good to be true. In order to understand my suffering, here is a visual.
To the right I have a street view, in front of me I have a business arena and that leaves my view to the left. Yes it may seem like an ordinary wall but about two inches through is the office bathroom. I do not understand why the designer chose to have the bathroom in the middle of the room but oh my god does it cause problems hence the tragic ballad of the office bathroom.
Most of the time it is tolerable because almost everyone seems to have pretty healthy bathroom routines and ‘movements’…………..almost everyone.
His name is James. Formally a very rotund individual, he recently went on a diet and shed a lot of weight. He does look better but for some reason he will always look heavy. Around the office he is known as Rotundo, Rollie Pollie, James and the Giant Peach Cobbler and many others. These days he is known as not-so-fat James. Along with causing havoc with the plumbing, he is one hell of an annoying guy.
In terms of the bathroom, he is public enemy number one.
By eating unhealthy greasy food and drinking 36 quarts of coffee a day, it is the perfect storm and with three inches between my hearing and the bathroom, it is something I would not wish for my worst enemy. Using James as an outline, here are some common Office bathroom faux pas. Please follow them because there are people out there suffering.
Be wary of the glowing light…
1. The Cootie Seat
Men you hear it all the time, Ladies we curse everytime we see it. There are only three women that work at this office but for the love of god, please put the seat down. While I reach for the seat with the protection of a stack of paper cloths protecting my hand, my mind screams at the thought of what bacteria horrors rest on its surface. Sometimes I do not have to wonder because there they are laughing back at me. Please oh please put the seat down.
2. The Candle in No Wind
The situation became so bad, the fan claimed defeat. Special reinforcements have been brought into the bathroom in the form of a candle. If you ever cause an offensive odor, please light the candle. It isn’t there to promote feng shui, it has one job only. My poor candle has taken a beating in it’s week here but its saving lives.
3. Toilet Reader’s Digest
I often think people forget they are at the office and not at home. In your own home, reading on the toilet can be acceptable behavior. At the office, I don’t want to know that you have been parked on the toilet reading the latest issue of Security System News. If you do indulge in a toilet read, please take the periodical with you and not flung onto the toilet. It may seem like a sharing courteous gesture. Wrong…very wrong.
4. The Urinating Rainbow
Urinating while standing seems like a nice idea. What I don’t understand is why don’t some men stand closer to the toilet. Forgetting that there is an echo effect in a normal bathroom, it sounds as if someone is standing on the opposite side of the room and simulating a rainbow. When it comes to the toilet, silence is golden. This applies to gas as well. Every sound in the toilet is amplified so keep that in mind.
5. Lake Toilet Seat
I understand that it is human to miss the bowl and hit the seat instead. This is referring to going Number One. If you are thinking this applies to going Number Two, please seek immediate help. As talented as you are recreating the Great Lakes on the toilet seat, please remove your art while exiting the bathroom. That is an art form only appreciated by the painter.
6. The Abrasive Threat Letter
There are two sides of every story. I understand it is difficult to deal with bathroom issues as an employee because some are pushed to the edge. The anger and fury of bathroom havoc can drive a person crazy and lead to an emotional outburst. This results in the angry letter being plastered all over the bathroom. An angry letter created by a woman can result in worse rules and excessive exclamation points. Please refrain from the angry letter.
7. The Town Crier
Last but not least, the Town Crier with a slight hint of sociopath. The Town Crier has no shame in committing a heinous act in the bathroom then announcing what they have done upon immediate exit. With a hint of pride, they strut around making jokes about size, smell, etc or just reside to waving their hand around their face and make a ‘whooo’ noise. There are some things you just need to keep to yourself.